if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
