i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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