can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
