You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
