based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
