I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he fucked my hip out of place.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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