thus making me awesome and them whores
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
