i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
