So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
