I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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