Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
