She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
