hotel room ftw
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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