My liver just broke up with me...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
