Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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