before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
