hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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