I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
