I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
