Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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