420 ftw
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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