My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
