Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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