I faked an abortion last night.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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