We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My ass is underappreciated
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
