I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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