I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
