They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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