Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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