So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
