so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
