all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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