i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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