His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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