my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
