I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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