she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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