I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
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well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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