No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
