The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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