I got chris browned last night
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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