I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
