I want to make a zoo with you.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So squirting runs in the family.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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