WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
