Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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