If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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