you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
