I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
