When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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