my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
