You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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