so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
