You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
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Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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