What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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