can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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