my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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