Can i not drive my cunt home
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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